I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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