why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
