The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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