he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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