Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
