im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
