I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
