I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
