dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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