Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
