3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
