just come out here and I will go home with you...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
