happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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