if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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