so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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