now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
