my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
