my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
