The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
