I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize
