Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
