I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
