If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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