I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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