Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize