my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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