The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
