i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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