Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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