The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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