i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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