Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
