I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize