U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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