Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
