Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
