dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just blew my weed a kiss
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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