I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
