so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
