So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
