Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
