Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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