I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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