Just cropdusted the office
4 words: hood of his car
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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