I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
