i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
