He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
