I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
