you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
