I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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