Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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