I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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