3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
