Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
