i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize