how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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