Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
