mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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