He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
