I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
