May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Randomize