I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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