Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
