Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
