Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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